I wrote an update on my Facebook page about losing my baby recently. The post was actually a snippet of the letter which I wrote for my dearest little angel who we named Poppy. I also posted the same heartfelt letter on my Instagram account. Little did I know that it would open the wounds of the moms who were following me that had a similar experience in the past. Based on the responses and comments written on my wall, I realized that I’m not the only one in my circle who experienced the loss of a baby. We dealt with the loss in different ways and I’m sure we grieved differently as well. I offered my vulnerable self out to social media and I’d cry every time I read a story from someone who experienced losing a child through miscarriage.

Miscarriage is something that we don’t often talk about and I admit that I’ve never really read up or educated myself about it until I started to bleed. I Googled bleeding while pregnant and when I saw the word “miscarriage” associated with pregnancy bleeding my heart sank.

We found out I was pregnant on the 29th of December. I kept on repeating the home pregnancy test until I used about 8 because I could not believe that I was pregnant. My husband was a little skeptical as well so we decided to set an appointment with an OB in the province since we were on vacation that time. On January 5, we confirmed through an ultrasound that I was indeed pregnant - 5 weeks to be exact based on the size. There was no gestational sac yet so we decided to see my OB as soon as we arrived in Manila. I had another ultrasound on January 9 and again the OB-Sonologist confirmed that I was pregnant and that there was already a gestational sac. I was so happy with this development. I was scheduled to go back for another scan on January 30.

I never thought about a miscarriage. All I could think about was ensuring that I maintain my blood sugar level so I won’t develop gestational diabetes again and that my prayers always contained a plea that I won’t experience hyperemesis gravidarum again.

Days passed and apart from the usual cravings, breast tenderness and sleepiness, I said to myself that my prayers are being answered. I’ve not eaten rice and I’ve not consumed soda and iced tea since we found I was pregnant. I’ve changed my eating habits as well and I religiously took my vitamins. I was also prescribed the progesterone capsule - Utrogestan. On January 21, I felt that I had a wet discharge so I checked and I saw brown spotting in my panty liner. I didn’t mind it. I knew it was normal for any pregnant woman. Before I went to bed that night, I noticed that my spotting has reddish almost maroon blood to it already so I spoke to my OB who then advised me to go to the hospital. And so we went to the hospital before midnight and went straight to the OB Complex. I was checked, the doctor performed IE and I had to undergo urinalysis as well to rule out urinary tract infection. The test came negative and the doctor informed me that there is no active bleeding and that my cervix was still closed. I was sent home before the break of dawn with a reminder to not engage in any strenuous work and to stay in bed most of the day. I was also required to take Duphaston together with my other vitamins.

I continued to bleed the next day and then again on Monday and Tuesday. I talked to my husband and we decided to go back to the hospital the next day and have the scan ahead of the original schedule. We went to bed and I started feeling intense contractions. I didn’t wake my husband up because I thought that I was just having the normal cramps. The contractions started to grow more and more intense and that’s when I held on to my husband and squeezed his arms. I kept tossing and turning because no position would make me feel better. I forced myself to go back to sleep and I woke up when my daughter greeted me good morning with a kiss. Her hair brushed my nose and I sneezed. Just when I sneezed, I felt a gush of liquid came out of me and what felt like a blob bigger than the normal clot size that I usually see when I have my period. After passing the mass, I felt relieved because the cramps stopped but at the same time I felt really scared that I might have miscarried.

I ran to the bathroom to shower so we can go back to the hospital and there I was right, I saw a big blob of what looked like coagulated blood to me. I was clueless. I didn’t know any better. I debated with myself if I will throw it, flush it, or store it in a jar so I could have my doctor see it. I did the latter.

We went straight to the ultrasound department and the doctor could not see anything inside me. She didn’t stop, she continued to probe a bit deeper, she pressed my abdomen to get a better picture but there was nothing. After several minutes, she looked at me with an expression on her face that seemed like she didn’t want to disappoint me with the bad news but she had no choice but to say it anyway. “Sorry, I could not see any sign that you are pregnant.” I was stunned! I could not believe it. I was confused. I mentioned that I expelled something in the shower and she asked if she could take a look. After looking at the blob, she confirmed that ‘that could be it” and advised me to see my OB at once. My knees were shaking, I could not believe what I just heard. My husband and I hugged but I did not cry. As soon as we got out of the ultrasound room, tears started to well and I sobbed on my husband’s chest. My baby is gone. Our baby has been taken away from us. All the pregnant women waiting for their turn looked at me with sad eyes. I avoided their gaze.

We waited for the ultrasound report before going up to my OB-Gyne’s clinic and there she explained to me everything that I need to know about what happened. She also told me that a D&C was not necessary because I had a complete non-induced, non-septic abortion.

And just like that, all my hopes and dreams of having my baby were shattered. The pain I felt at that moment was immense - something that I have never felt in my whole life. How can I love someone so strongly when I have not seen it nor touched it? I keep thinking that one day I will see and know my baby and will finally see how he or she looks like when we meet in heaven. That consoles me but my tears are flowing like I’m made up of tears. We went home and that was probably the longest ride home. I climbed into bed as soon as we got home and cried my heart out. I curled in bed and drifted to sleep because I felt so tired and weak. I felt like I was a total failure. I wanted to hide from the world. I just wanted to be alone.

I woke up from my nap and cried again. I felt like my whole world is crumbling all around me. I don’t know how to deal with the situation but I will allow myself to grieve. I will cry until I have tears to cry. I will cry until I regain my strength to face the emptiness that I feel.

As I write this, three days after losing our baby to miscarriage, I am giving myself permission to grieve. I know I am broken and I do not have the strength to pretend that all is okay because, in reality,  IT IS NOT.

The only assurance I have now is that I know my Little Precious Poppy is in heaven.

I decided to write about my miscarriage story while it is still fresh in my memory. This situation may have been the most painful experience that I have to go through but I don't want to erase it from my memory. I am far from recovery, that I am sure and I don't think I will ever recover from this, to be honest. Everything is still raw as I write this, the pain is still tangible.

If you are going through the same situation as I am in now, know that there is someone bigger than us. My heart goes out to you as I continue to grieve my loss. I pray that God's grace will envelop us as we go through this and make things easier as we go on with our lives. I hope my story gives you encouragement and assurance that you are never alone in your grief. There are many mothers who will forever miss the chance of taking care of their unborn babies. 

If you want to share with me your own story, please do. I would love to read your story. I might also share the letter I wrote for my unborn baby which is now undoubtedly happy in heaven, enveloped by God' loving arms.